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Walk with Him Wednesdays: Sacrifice

“The next 3 weeks, as we walk with Him towards Easter, might we consider: The Practice of Sacrifice. We look forward to your thoughts, stories, ideas….”~Ann Voskamp

I thought I knew what ‘sacrifice’ meant when I became a mother. I filled my head with the idea that if I hadn’t taken a shower for three {or more} days that was sacrifice. If I fed my children before I even attempted to feed myself that was sacrifice. If I cleaned, cooked, played, read book after book before I thought of taking a break {and sometimes this meant just using the bathroom}…these were sacrifices.

Yes, it’s true…these are all sacrifices of sorts. But really in all these “sacrifices” I’ve sacrificed myself and led myself down a very rough road. A road that took me to the depths of depression, thoughts of suicide, feelings of hopelessness. I thought I could do it all…be “super mom.” And when I finally wore myself down to the very earth that I could no longer stand on, all the pretending I had done…pretending to have it all together…gave way and left me vulnerable.

Vulnerable is not a spot I like to be in. Being in this place means I have to trust…I’m not sure I inherently possess this…trust. I did it for a moment though, this trust thing. I trusted God…that He would take care of me through the people who were taking care of me. It took going to those ugly depths to trust Him.

I’m not as deep as I was almost exactly two years ago. I’m not crying every minute of the day. I’m not thinking of locking myself and my kids in the garage with the car running. I’m not afraid to leave the house, afraid that someone will see the ugly marks of depression on my soul. Praise the Lord for this!

But…do I truly know what sacrifice is?

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Him or me?

This battered little piece of paper is what I see in the bathroom mirror every morning. After a particularly hellish day battling my fourth bout of postpartum depression my husband typed this up and placed it on our bathroom mirror. At first I thought it was a bit silly for him to do this, but I never found myself taking it down.

I know I’m not alone when I say that quite frequently I want to take things into my own hands. I want to feel like I can control my destiny. In truth, I don’t…I can’t…I won’t and really, I’m relieved! The Lord used His own hands to create this world, to create me. He knows what I need, He knows my desires and He knows what I can handle. I am not bigger than Him, I cannot do this alone!

So, every morning when I go into the bathroom and I see this reminder it lifts a bit of weight off my shoulders. Nothing is too hard for Him.